'I'm 40 and I've never had a relationship'

Dear A&E,

I’m almost 40 and I’ve never had a relationship. I’ve had one or two flings, but I’ve never been in a position to call anyone my boyfriend. I’m no supermodel, but there are uglier, more boring women out there who are married or have, at least, had relationships. I’ve tried online dating and singles holidays and found them all very depressing. I’m starting to get concerned that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Even though I have a job I like and devoted friends, I’m upset about my situation. Can I do anything to put this right? – Alone

Dear Alone,

We believe that there is a huge element of fluke involved when it comes to meeting someone whom you will grow to love and who will love you. The weird universal matrix has to shift into some kind of virtuous alignment so that you bump into the right person at the right time, and then you have to match in terms of desire, chemistry, goals, chat, values… the works. It’s much harder and more random than we are led to believe. And there is, as yet, no exact science to this eternal conundrum.

Actually, the idea that there is one human out there who is perfectly compatible with one other human is rather bizarre, yet it feels virtually impossible to resist buying into this. Likewise, the notion that we are only whole when we are in partnership. From childhood, we are subliminally sold the view that we are more valuable if we are in a relationship, and this corrosive fairy tale can cause real pain.

Because you are not broken, Alone, and you do not need fixing. There is nothing wrong with you, although of course you will feel wrong if you only see happiness as couple-shaped; single people can feel like impostors in such a couple-centric society. So recognise that you have stand-alone value and bank your many wins: celebrate the enjoyable job and the excellent friends because they are triumphs.

That said, there is no shame in wanting this so much. Wanting the connection and the company; the camaraderie and the solace. And there is also no shame in finding the apps deeply dispiriting. There is a powerful assumption nowadays that Tinder/Bumble/Hinge, etc are the only ways to find love, and that if you don’t enjoy the process of shopping for a relationship then there is something ‘wrong’ with you.

We would counsel you to work towards the feeling that you are complete with or without a partner. Another person is a bonus rather than all the colours of your rainbow.

You have a vibrant and varied colour palette all on your own. Do the selfcare. The meditation. The therapy and the healing and the acupuncture and the manifestation… the lot. Go a bit woo-woo. Why not? Worst-case scenario, you’ll be happy, occupied, fulfilled and single. Best-case scenario, the universe will send you someone. Again, shame has no place in this process: there is no shame in getting to know yourself.

Don’t live your life in waiting, Alone, and do not define yourself by what you do not have and by what has not happened. Ignore the endless diet of how to get married, how to be good in bed, how to be desirable – we are so saturated by that narrative that it can start to feel like our only purpose. There are other satisfying voyages to embark on and to relish. In that vein: travel far and wide when restrictions lift. Decorate your home for your own pleasure. Cook your favourite things. Roll around in the wonderful self-centredness of making yourself happy.

In practical terms, make more friends. You’re clearly good at friendship, and that’s a real talent. Enjoy your people and the new people and all the people. Because people beget people, and who knows whom you might meet?

So keep your faith, Alone The world keeps turning, and this is not a done deal. Remember that you can be a masterpiece and a work in progress at the same time.

Do you have a dilemma that you’re grappling with? Email Annabel and Emilie on themidults@telegraph.co.uk. All questions are kept anonymous. They are unable to reply to emails personally

More from The Midults

Do long-distance relationships ever work?

'I'm secretly £13,000 in debt... and my husband doesn't know'

Reader's advice: What Telegraph readers advised in response to last week's problem

The problem:  My husband has checked out of our marriage. How can I salvage it?

@Jimmy Bizzo:

"Start to do things for yourself. Find interests that express your sense of personal wonder with the world. Your husband will either see you in a new light, and realise the error of his ways, or, by a lack of understanding, he will prove himself to be incompatible with you, giving you the insight and motivation you need to move on."

@Emmeline Lucas:

"Living in this situation is going to become more and more stressful and will take its toll on both your mental and physical wellbeing. He appears to be an uncaring and cold fish who cares nothing for you. It's worse than living with a stranger. You need to assert yourself and make your own life. If it does have anything to do with your weight, then he isn't worth hanging onto. Someone so shallow is not a good life companion." 

ncG1vNJzZmivp6x7tbHLnp6rmaCde6S7ja6iaK%2BforKve8uinZ5nZGV6r7HVnqlmoJGZerOxy5qroqeeqLWqvI4%3D